Lavender Daze

the title is def a joke i promise…

I remember the first time I told someone I was gay out loud. It was my second year of college. I was in the car with two of my friends. “I might like women too..” [insert that Debbie Ryan gif here] I was bisexual. They were supportive. I knew they would be, though, so it was less terrifying. Three more people would hear me say I was bisexual.  “Yeah, I like women…but don’t worry.”

“I like men too!!”

[Debbie Ryan gif again but this time it’s really there]:

Eventually I realized that still liking men didn’t make me any less interested in women or any less gay. I would still be a big fat sinner if you asked most of the people I knew growing up. So I became a big fat sinner who didn’t care anymore. Bisexuality was kind of like a concession for me. There was still hope I could be normal and end up with a man. Obviously, none of this reflects my actual and current beliefs. It was just my logic at the time. Today, I’m a lot clearer on that subject. I am most definitely a lesbian. It took me a while to accept that could be true. I liked boys when I was younger, hadn’t I? I’m still unclear on that, but it doesn’t matter because  today I am not attracted to men. I could probably name all of the ones I thought I was attracted to during my childhood. There weren’t many.

It was the first day back at drama classes after summer break when I was thirteen. We had to skip doing a show the previous year because we didn’t have enough guys. Then on the first day back–boom–there’s a new guy. I don’t like to judge others based on their appearances, but my first thought was: he looks weird. Immediately I didn’t like him. I was suspicious. When my best friend got to class that day, I asked her who this rando who knew dance already was. I can’t remember if she knew, but she definitely said he was cute. Really? No… Then all the other girls started acting like he was cute. There must be something wrong with me because I don’t think this guy is cute!! He was cute. He had to be if all the other girls thought so. I thought he was cute. Looking back on this two-year long crush, I’ve realized I wanted this guy’s attention because I wanted other girls to think I was something worth looking at. Unfortunately, this need for girls’ approval would lead to some of the most embarrassing moments of my teen years. All because of that weird-looking guy.

One day the most popular girl in school asked me what boys I thought were cute. I couldn’t name a single person. She started listing off people. “What about so-and-so? Do you think he’s cute?”

“Sure,” I grinned. I just wanted them to stop. On another day someone asked me if I’d seen the show Criminal Minds. I had not. Then they told me I reminded them of ‘Spencer Reid.’ For those unfamiliar, he was the adorable, smart one on the show. When I finally watched it, I decided to have a crush on Reid. Girls have crushes on him. They also say he makes them think of me. We begin to see a pattern here, but I won’t figure it out until–looks at watch–sometime last year. It was only after a guy was deemed crush-worthy by one of my peers that I would find him attractive. Then I had to have a crush because if he’s attractive you automatically had one.

Finally, I am at a point in my life where I can freely and openly say things like “that man is aesthetically attractive, but it’s not doing anything for me.” The bad news is that most of the people I hang out with don’t comment on the attractiveness of women, so I don’t get to tell them who I think the hottest character is. I’ll probably tell them anyway. I’m making up for lost time. Everyone should have friends you can freely discuss the hottest characters with. If you don’t, then yes you do because I’m ready to discuss.